_____________

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 01:03:54 GMT

goodbye.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 18:15:11 GMT

ask me a question.
all of you.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 02:57:50 GMT

757pm; fed up with the world.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 22:55:10 GMT

my mom told me i looked cute today. so i took advantage of it.

this world is mine.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 21:06:24 GMT

i don't know why but the other day the school cop brought up livejournal and everyone seemed to look at me.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 20:28:32 GMT

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces. bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere. their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression no expression. hide my head i want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow. and i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever had. i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take, when people run in circles its a very, very mad world. children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday, happy birthday. when they feel the way that every child should, sit and listen, sit and listen. went to school and i was very nervous, no one knew me, no one knew me. hello teacher tell me whats my lesson, look right through me, look right through me. and i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever. i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take, when people run in circles its a very, very mad word.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:34:43 GMT

okay so i went to the oral surgeon
didnt get it done, it was just a consoltation
but i'm going back on wednesday to not only have them cut into my gums and move my teeth around, but to get my wisdom teeth pulled.
this lovely $2,000 idea is going to include:
no food for 24 hours before hand
815 am appointment in oxnard
intravaneous anesthetic sedation
& about a week and a half of doing jack shit.
what a lovely spring break this is turning out to be.
oh, and since my mom agreed to pay for prom if i got my hair back to brown
i have an appoinment to do just that, THE DAY AFTER I GET MY MOUTH FUCKED WITH.
fucking awesome guys, next weeks gonna be a blast.
ps i bawled my eyes out.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 22:44:46 GMT

he is my favorite. always.

on with my life.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 22:13:13 GMT

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4685961/
what the fuck.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 04:33:20 GMT

so basically my parents are douchebags, i have a 10pm curfew for SPRING FUCKING BREAK, meaning lots of lonely time at home where i can sit here and isolate myself from the world, since a 3.33 gpa is totally terrible and all, and my parents fucking overreact because i am ACHIEVING BELOW MY ABILITY. sweet guys, way fucking sweet. its nice to know, though, that my dad is finally aware that i think he is a shitty person and i dont even consider him part of my family anymore. i miss alyssa and lea and kerri and i wish it were like the old days with no bullshit where we'd end up hanging out no matter what and doing shots of pepsi blue until we threw up. denise is hating my life i think. oh, and fatty and i are going to coach little kids soccer games or something not this sunday but next for community service. but seriously though, i miss alyssa. AND WHO WANTS TO CUDDLE? oh right, no one.

ps i relate distinct smells to certain period of times and for the past week or so my hair has smelled like ryan and cody on that one day where i went and hung out with them at their band practice with luis and aaron and some other kid. i remember that week or so being one of the best i've ever had. but nothing beats listening to 'feeling this' and falling asleep on MY blink182 pillowcase. awesome.

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 06:22:13 GMT

ps n2 hates me

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 04:55:14 GMT

so today i got my dress for prom. yeah denise its like the silver one but its the black one. my mom says i look like a wench and she was making jokes like "want to go to disneyland and get a hook and an eye patch?" but the black chick who sold it to me said i looked gorgeous and she was black so i got it. when i'm a senior i'm seriously taking ryan payne to prom.. and he will love it. my mom said that if i feel like my dress isnt dressy enough (which it isnt, really) i can get another one and she will just let me have this to play dress up in.. what a bahdass. but i like it because i feel like a princess.

breath and blood: mmmm.
breath and blood: this is my prom date, her name is chrissy
breath and blood: everyone will be like
breath and blood: matt, you're so bahd.

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 05:28:52 GMT

i convinced my mom to let me skip school and take me to melrose & the beverly center and what not to look for a prom dress. this is like seventh grade all over again!

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 01:46:44 GMT

oh and ashleigh valdez is my new favorite person for socking karissa and brandyn.

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 01:35:01 GMT

ps donnybrook and internal affairs at the cobalt was way good. i saw some of my favorite people.. luis, chris, chub chub, andy, broooooke. prom is in may and i dont know what im wearing but we are getting a hummer limo with spinners and it is going to be tight as fuck. my mom said bahd today. AND N2 IS HOME!!

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 13:30:50 GMT

N2 COMES HOME TODAYYYYYY

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 04:14:23 GMT

where is joshua i need to talk to him

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 02:08:25 GMT

i miss fenmore.

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 23:14:27 GMT

| have you ever |

Liked your voice?: i like to hear myself talk.
Hurt yourself?: yeah.
Been out of the country?: indeed.
Eaten something that made other people sick?: haha i dont know.
Been in love?: i am in love with someone i used to date, and now he is my best friend, is that counts.
Done drugs?: prescribed.
Gone skinny dipping?: yes.
Had a medical emergency?: if my kidneys failing counts, then yes.
Had surgery?: yes.
Ran away from home?: maybe when i was three.
Played strip poker?: yes.
Gotten beaten up?: maybe by my brothers.
Beaten someone up?: naw. it's all about august/september when you-know-who comes home to visit.
Been picked on?: i guess.
Been on stage?: yeah.
Slept outdoors?: fuck yeah guys lets go camping.
Thought about suicide?: at one time or another.
Pulled an all nighter?: yeah.
If yes, what is your record?: i used to just never go to sleep until me and brandyn would stop fighting. that was so gay.
Gone one day without food?: at one point in my life.
Talked on the phone all night?: yes me and matty used to fall asleep on the phone.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: i slept in a tent with matty and jason once.
Slept all day?: yeah.
Killed someone?: the crab was not my fault.
Made out with a stranger?: kind of.
Had sex with a stranger?: fuck no.
Thought you're going crazy?: when my mom whistles the french national anthem i go crazy.
Kissed the same sex?: yes.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no.
Been betrayed?: yeah.
Had a dream that came true?: i get deja vu like nobodys business.
Broken the law?: i don't wear seatbelts!
Met a famous person?: don't make me bust out the youngstown jeans.
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: the crab was not my fault!
On purpose?: no way.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: maybe not swore.
Stolen anything?: yeah.
Been on radio/tv?: yee.
Been in a mosh-pit?: oh NEVER.
Had a nervous breakdown?: no.
Bungee jumped?: no i fucking wish.
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yeah, alyssa knows.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes.
Do you wish on stars?: a lot.

| friends |

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: does sam trost's chinese gay uncle who lived in cuba count?
Who are your closest friends?: denise, matty, josher, fetch, N2CK, lyssa.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: denise, matty, lyssa.
Your favourite inside joke?: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
Thing you're picked on most about? im fucken fourteen.
Who's your longest known friend?: alyssa nicole mcbride.
Newest?: cynce!
Shyest?: i dont really have shy friends. maybe pham..
Funniest?: me and denise when were together. i guess me and cody when we creepy walk. cause that's just beautiful.
Closest? : deeeeeeee.
Weirdest?: matt natelson.
Smartest?: rachel probably.
Ditziest?: kerri of course.
Friends you miss being close to the most?: kerri, alyssa, and lea.
Last person you talked to online?: cynce.
Who do you talk to most online?: BO, n2ck [reuniting soon], josher.
Who are you on the phone with most?: denise obviously.
Who do you trust most?: matty & dee.
Who listens to your problems?: deeeeeeeee.
Who do you fight most with?: josh always hates me its cute.
Who's the nicest?: james.
Who's the most outgoing?: rachel.
Who's the best singer?: i like it when josh sings in the car.
Who's your second family?: alyssa's.. always. but i love dee's parents. and homie.
Who's the loudest friend?: TORIE.
Do you trust others easily?: yeah i guess.
Who's house were you last at?: sara's.
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:? matty.
Friend that lives farthest away: JAMES, morgan, ryan payne.
Do you consider love a mistake?: judging from past experiences, yes.
What do you find romantic?: boys who won't eat my dino gummies & drink my juice!
What is best about the opposite sex?: the way he says my name. sense of humor.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: "hooking up"
What's the last present someone gave you?: i don't remember. josh got me starbucks if that counts.
Are you in love?: i love my girlfriend.
You wanted to kill?: adam for not telling us where he works.

| whos the last person |

That you laughed at?: adam.
That laughed at you?: my mom.
That turned you on?: i dont wanna talk about it.
You went shopping with?: probly dee.
That broke your heart?: doesn't matter.
To disappoint you?: christopher alexander.
To make you cry?: see above.
To brighten up your day?: see above.
That you thought about?: chriiiiis.
You saw a movie with?: does girls gone wild count?
You talked to on the phone?: josh or adam or ryan payne.
You saw?: my dad.
You lost?: no one.
Are you going out?: naw.
What are you wearing right now?: pajama shorts, with honor sweatshirt.
Body part you're touching right now: my foot is on my leg.
What are you worried about right now? jdhgfljdkfghlsjdhg. he knows.
What book are you reading?: how to deal.
What's on your mousepad?: i dont use a mousepad.

| rewind |

[x] most memorable memory: going to john/josh/ryan's every day for a month straight. camping with the boys and kerri. chris sleeping over, buahah.
[x] worst?: fighting with denise.
[x] first word uttered: i dont know that shit.
[x] first best friend ever: alyssa & denise.

| love |

[x] love is: tight.
[x] first love: okayyyy so i really liked david newberry in sixth grade for 4 days and after we broke up i would make him feel like total shit and admit to being in love with me. that was really cool.
[x] love or lust?: love.
[x] best love song: hatebreed. always.
[x] is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time: no.
[x] when love hurts, you: suck it up.
[x] true or false: all you need is love: all i need is my friends. and i love my friends. so yes.

| opposite sex |

[x] turn ons: the way he says my name. hands. eyes.
[x] do your parent's opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: no.
[x] what kinda hair style?: none of my boys ever have hair.
[x] where do you go to meet new people?: MYSPACE ahahah.
[x] are you the type of person to HOLLER and ask for numbers?: what the fuck no.

| pick one |

[x] dog or cat: dog.
[x] short or long hair on guys: short.
[x] sunshine or rain: depends. usually sun. i hate being cold.
[x] moon or sun: moon.
[x] hugs or kisses: kisses.
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: one best friend, definitely.
[x] summer or winter: summer.
[x] written letters or e-mails: written letters.
[x] playstation or nintendo: ps2.
[x] car or motorcycle: car.
[x] house party or club: houuuusee partyyyy brooooo. ps im 14.
[x] sing or dance: dance.
[x] freak or slow dance: FREAK BAAAAAAABY.

| lately |

[x] how are you today? bored.
[x] what pants are you wearing right now? red abercrombie gym shorts.
[x] what shirt are you wearing right now? internal affairs dress.
[x] what does your hair look like at the moment? messy in pigtails.
[x] what song are u listening to right now? im watching pimp my ride.
[x] how is the weather right now? hot.
[x] last person you talked to on the phone? i dont remember probably adam.
[x] last dream you can remember? fuck off im in a bad mood now.
[x] who are you talking to right now? i just told my mom to get out of my room.
[x] what time is it? 410.

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 08:31:41 GMT

I have a headache. I have a sore back. I have a letter I can't send. I have desire, it falters and falls down, it calls you up drunk at three or four a.m. to wonder when.. wonderful. all the cheap tricks I tried too hard not to pull, pulled along or pulled apart. the diagnosis of a foreign frame of heart. I have a story that I'd like to tell you. it's littlered with settings and second takes. I have a feeling that hums with the street lights and hides under ice in always frozen lakes. my mistake to never make you cringe. another gretting like a broken creaky hinge to oil and push or pry apart. the diagnosis of a foreign frame of heart. found a cure for being sure, and, sure as anything, I'll smile for my reckoning.

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 21:07:31 GMT

last night was funny as shit. matty came home after school and we bleached his hair & we decided he is the guy from everclear. then we went to matts and to baja fresh & met up with jason.. matt left for autumns & to mattys house where sara fatty tiff bijan and andy were. arroyo vista so they boys could airsoft & chillin with tiff & dee and cody coming & having to run into a field and back being shot & panda fresh.. lots of fresh food today & SAW DENISES PARENTS & creepy walking & creepy man trying to talk to me and cody while dee ditched us for her parents & denise spitting dr pepper all over me & then my house for 2 seconds & walking outside to see stuff i didnt want to see & saras where i got fucking RAPED twice, listerally, by matty bijan and sara. i was bound and gagged and shit with vibrators all around the room. jason ate a shot glass of airsoft bebes & we watched girls gone wild & went home.

against my will.

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 03:33:15 GMT

who wants to go see dawn of the dead with me and hold my hand?
ps remember when i used to get jealous cause you were in love with the girl from the feelin this video?

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 01:16:12 GMT

its really fucking awesome when your mom constantly tells you that she loves a dog more than you & is completely serious. she could care less if i starved or not. i really honestly have nothing to keep me happy at this point, i thought i was starting to again, but i was wrong, as always. i have the worst of luck let me tell you. im not even that stoked for bane on saturday and i kinda wish i was going friday so i could see donnybrook at the cobalt on saturday. the worst thing in the world is when fathead hates my life and everything i say to him he replies to me with "please dont talk to me" especially when i dont know what i did at all, or why he is mad. but he is and it makes me want to gouge out somebodys eyes. i saw wyatt at the park while driving home, and that made me laugh for about three seconds, and then i came home and remembered how much i hate it here. when i wake up the real nightmare begins.

oh but ps i like to eat the new five flavor lifesavers. too bad i only like the purple and the clear ones, anyone want my rejects? oh, and i got jonny good for april fools

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 05:40:43 GMT

tonight josh pulled his "be outside in 3 minutes" coffee trick on me & we went to get starbucks where he proceeded to try and make me jealous, DIDNT WORK! we listened to hatebreed because it is his jam, like everything else, & for some odd reason it reminded me of chris.. dont ask me why...

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 04:35:49 GMT

my mom lost jack in ventura.
all hell broke loose.